Stay strong. You’ve chosen a difficult path but one that’s ultimately for the best. It’s hard to see what’s not normal when we aren’t exposed to anything else. My father was abusive but it was only as a 20 something that I finally realized it being exposed to other families that didn’t grow up in fear of their parents rage and it took even longer for me to fully accept it. It felt wrong like I was betraying my father — there’s all this social guilt built into admitting abuse that we are taught from a very early age but the simple truth was that he had an anger problem that he couldn’t control and didn’t seek help beyond religious means such as prayer, which wasn’t helping. The religious aspect made it more confusing because as a kid I was taught that abuse doesn’t happen if you’re following God, therefore I concluded that what I experienced wasn’t abuse. It seems so obvious now but I had no reference point.
Anyway, my point is I feel your pain and struggle.
All the best!